Subscriptions

It was gonna be one of those days, I could already tell. For starters there was a stupid June bug already throwing its body against my window and it was only April. The erratic thud thud of the insect’s too heavy torso might just drive me crazy. Course, it wouldn’t have been such a problem if it weren’t for the other thing. I’m talking about the stress, you know. The stress of being a creature of nature living in a man-made world. I’m not talking about the cost of heating, or paradise paved for a parking lot. No, I’m talking about the subscriptions. The sheer size and weight of them. At this point, after I die my only legacy will be my subscriptions. Or my debt.

First there’s the gym membership. That was already a thing back when Seinfeld still aired on tv. George Costanza gets bullied into a gym membership. You should check it out. Then there’s the streaming services. Obviously. How else would I remember George Costanza? Last time my sister Daria and her kids came to visit I got Disney and never canceled it. 

She was here for spring break, they wanted to come out to spend a week with us, take some hikes, weekend in wine country. We did all that, of course. After one too many samples my sister declared the pinot out of this world and I subscribed to the monthly wine club. She has very good taste. 

It was one of those vineyards where they have shuffleboard or bocci ball or something and the kids were playing while Daria and I stretched out in the sun. Sunlight played on her cheeks and her freckles rose to greet it. We gossiped about old neighbours and friends till our husbands got bored and went to go help the kids. Then the real conversation started. 

Tom had lost his job, and Henry, the 12 year old, was being bullied. A group of boys would follow him around and threaten to shave his hair. I glanced over at my nephew. Stringy blond locks floated around his face as he lobbed a ball down the court. It was more limp spaghetti and less surfer chic that he imagined it was. The bullying was horrible, of course, but I did marvel for a minute how he could be so confident that he never cut his hair after all that. 

Daria said they really needed the trip, and how great it was they could stay with us. I told her she was welcome to stay on a little longer and she started to tear up then looked away. I had Disney until the end of the month anyway. 

When we got home later that night after we put the kids in bed for the night or at least saw them enter their room and close the door, my husband and I stepped out on the porch to talk where they couldn’t hear us. It was a warm night and he was wearing a white dress shirt, still crisp from the laundry even though he’d been sweating in it all day. He loosened the button at the wrist and rolled up his sleeve. I was reminded of something I read once that Rotterdammers are born with their shirt sleeves rolled up. He was getting ready to talk so I just watched him and didn’t say anything. I had waited days for him to make his point before, but this time he got to it quickly. 

Tom told me they’re having a hard time. He started, then looked at me for recognition. I said I’d heard. 

I know you always say your sister’s a lot to handle. He continued. But we can’t just do nothing. 

I want to ask them to stay with us. Would you be ok with that? 

It was very sweet but you can see how it’s awkward for me. Why didn’t I think to check with him first?

It was the Tuesday of the second week when they told us about the timeshare. I really wanted to do some work after dinner, but they were sleeping in my office and I felt like I needed to entertain them. The kids were in bed, or getting there. Daria started by saying she needed my opinion on something. 

That’s never a good sign. Daria never needs anyone’s opinion. I looked over at Tom to see if she was joking, but he had turned pale and looked like he was struggling to maintain eye contact. Daria went on. There was a time share, and they couldn’t afford it, even before everything, but especially now. They thought they could cancel the contract during the free trial but they couldn’t reach anyone at the help line and did I know what to do since I worked in memberships and all. 

For the record, I do not “work in memberships”, I work for a tech company. The work I do happens to be building features for a churn prevention model that recommends which users to target with which promo. But my mission is to make magical user experiences—it’s not some predatory time share company. 

Of course the biggest predictor of successful payment is having successfully paid the month before. A lawsuit wouldn’t do anything, it would take years and would be way more expensive than a time share. They could try to sell it to someone, but they were apparently too ethical for that. Not too ethical to take advice from an insider, though. Or ask for money from one either. 

My husband joked they could always just move there. Not a bad idea, actually. We never try to retain the people actually using the subscription. Daria and Tom had stopped listening to ideas, though. Once they told me they stopped thanking me for my advice and started thanking me for my help. 

They stayed another ten days after that night. Towards the end our kids were getting tired of being on their best behaviour. They were starting to whine about when they would get their rooms back. My girls said Henry was using their hair product and I had better not forget to get more or their social life was over. I was looking forward to letting the house go again and get back to living in squalor like we were used to. Looking back, though, the thing that finally ended the trip was when the washing machine broke. It had been turning nonstop for the last three weeks. One day it just stopped. My sister got the hint after that—or else my husband asked them to leave, I never did find out which one. Either way, the next day they pulled their car out of the driveway with us all waving from the porch. We stood there waving until they were all the way down the street. 

So I got my office back at last. I’m feeling pretty good about it—I might even cancel a subscription today. Not the time share, though, that contract was iron clad.